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 You see, I want a lot

Maybe I want it all
the darkness of each endless fall,
the shimmering light of each ascent.

So many are alive who don't seem to care.
Casual, easy they move in the world
as though untouched. 

But you take pleasure in the faces
of those who know they thirst.
You cherish those
who grip you for survival.

You are not dead yet; it's not too late
to open your depths by plunging into them
and drink in the life
that reveals itself quietly there.

- Rainer Maria Rilke

I've had this poem drawn on the chalkboard in our dining room for the past several weeks.  I first read it and, like great writing does, it pronounced the thing I've been feeling but couldn't quite name these last few months. Since about this time last year, at a shoot I worked on with Joy Thigpen, I've had a growing sense of what I'm supposed to be doing - what I want more of.  

More making, more designing, more playing with flowers, more experimenting with new palettes and unexpected objects, more taking that risk I'm afraid of, more working my ass off to bring that vision - that beautiful vision - to fruition, more creating moments for friends new and old that speak to who they are.

I've been afraid to do those things. Afraid I'll make something ugly, I'll disappoint people, or I'll find out that the truth is I don't have anything worthwhile to offer.  But ultimately, the longing and dreaming beat out the fear.  I plunged in with some prayer, some long hours, some patience, and a whole lot of grace for myself.  When you're building something like this, you pour so much of yourself into it and it takes a while before you see what it is you've been growing.  There are months of quiet. This website is just such a product - something I'd been thinking about for over a year. And now, now that I'm actually doing the work and putting my work out there, it feels like these deep breaths of fresh air. I'm incredibly blessed and I'm so grateful to my clients, to sweet encouraging friends, to my patient, loving husband (who has cleaned out some pretty nasty flower buckets without even being asked!), to incredibly talented vendors I've gotten to work with over these last months.  And, always, to the One I grip to for survival, who has gifted me with so many opportunities - when I had nothing planned for a month, He placed in my lap a shoot, a wedding, and a dinner partnering with a national magazine. Anyway, I leave you with this:

 You are not dead yet; it's not too late
to open your depths by plunging into them
and drink in the life
that reveals itself quietly there.

*image above source unknown 

And here's me, doing work.  Thanks for the behind-the-scenes snap, Maureen! 

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